*folksy music*
Tim: Alternative medicine!
Tim: Being healthy on my terms.
Tim: Forget Obamacare you can use acupuncture.
Tim: Natural green medicine using herbs
Tim: Dr. San is with us!
Tim: Let's talk alternatives.
Tim: I can feel that. Hi everybody. Welcome to a new episode of On Alternative Medicine On Cinema. Starring myself, Tim Heidecker, as the host. I'm joined by Dr. San, my acupuncturist, and also Gregg Turkington who will be talking about movies a little bit later on. Whew! I feel better! Feel... sort of whatever you're talking about there with the liver and everything. He's got to be putting pins in me like I'm a voodoo doll. Mostly focusing on the face, and it's been, I guess natural for this sort if-
Dr. San: Yeah it's- your body's filled with a lot of toxins and so we're just releasing those toxins.
Tim: Right.
Dr. San: And so they're expressing themselves.
Tim: I kind of feel like I'm a high school kid with a pepperon- or the 'pizza face'. But uh, but zits don't hurt this much. So sort of feel like I've been cut, my face has been cut with a knife or something. Anyways, thank you Dr. San. Appreciate you being here and get me back back in best shape of my life. And as far as our- Gregg, welcome back on the show and...
Gregg: Mm-hm.
Tim: Any thoughts on my blood clots and my brain of making sure they're not gonna
ever come back? Is anything we can do to pre, to kind of pre-emptively
Gregg: I thought we were doing movies.
Tim: We are Gregg. Chill out. You ever seen The Tonight Show? They have different segments. Is there any way to prevent-Preventative medicine, in other words?
Dr. San: Yes, we'll- we'll tonify your blood and we'll smooth your liver chi and get rid of the... fire.
Tim: Right. So, and by the way, one thing I love about acupuncture is that it's not something insurance covers. I pay for it out of my own pocket because I do believe that health care is a privilege. And it's $50 a session and I'm doing it several times a day. So it's not something that I'm expecting somebody else to pay for AKA the government; Obamacare. So if you have health problems, see an acupuncture.  On to the glib, light world of Hollywood. We've got The Awkward Moment starring-
Gregg: That Awkward Moment starring Dr. San and Tim Heidecker: That awkward moment when a movie review show is ruined by quackery.
Tim: Not necessary.
Tim: *sighs*
Tim: Three Manhattan bachelors make a pact to have as much fun as possible while remaining single. This was a funny funny funny funny movie and raunchy, I love sex comedies and I love R movies. This was one of my favorites. And I give it five bags of popcorn, because I recommend it. Gregg?
Gregg: Yeah, I liked it a lot. It's sort of The Hangover in Manhattan, if you will.
Tim: *to Dr. San* So is it circulatory? Is it-
Gregg: It's a- it's a comedy. It's got a good cast. Kind of a, these bachelors getting a lot of trouble guys do that sometimes, it's fun. I would give it five bags of popcorn, and I'll throw in a couple of dirty acupuncture needles of which obviously there are several in the studio today, causing Tim to have infected sores on his face. I think your doctor uses dirty needles.
Tim: well, never mind that. Thank you for the review. What was it? What'd you give it, five bags?
Gregg: Five bags. 
Tim: Yeah up next we have Labor Day Directed by Jason Reitman with Kate Winslet, Josh Brolin, Tolby Maguire, Clark Gregg... two names there. Gregg. James- and Gregg- ow. Fuck. Wow. It's a bit of like a spark... electric shock. Turn it- Ow! Alright, can you turn it off?
Dr. San: Mm-hm.
Tim: It's my foot- Ow! Ow! Take it out, please. Take thei take the needles out. Okay, thank you, Dr. San. It's got a little shock. 
Tim: I love this movie and it was a call- it was a, should be up there up there with all the greats and Five bags and two sodas.
Gregg: Yeah, it's a serious movie. It's um, no laughing matter what happens to this family in this movie and I hope it never happens to any of our viewers and You do have to worry about this sort of thing happening when you pick up hitchhikers and that sort of thing.
Tim: *sighs* Fuck.
Gregg: So it's kind of a cautionary tale and I would give it five bags of popcorn-
Tim: Well, always great to see Josh Brolin. Thank you, and oh wait, okay, we're gonna go to Gregg's On Cinema popcorn- On
Location.
*On Location music*
Gregg: Hollywood, California. Every street has a story, and these are but just a few, on On Cinema On Location.
Gregg: Hey guys, welcome to another segment of on location with on cinema today we're at a very famous movie site. This is the cemetery lake where the film Hot Shots from 1991 starring Charlie Sheen was shot. You may remember the scene it all took place right here and it really hasn't changed. Back to you.
Tim: And thank you Gregg that was a... I feel like that was we'd seen that one before.
Gregg: Yeah, you did. That was a repeat.
Tim: Okay... What's the- I thought you were- you go out and shoot other locations? Or...
Gregg: Well, they- you know, TV channels that don't care show repeats of I love Lucy all the time and I figured you obviously don't care about the people that are interested in movie criticism or in this movie being a serious show anymore.
Tim: I'm doing-
Gregg: So I may as well just show old stuff too. Because I'll tell you something: when you turn a cinema show into a medicine show, you lose 999% of the audience and that's what we've done here today. So what does it matter?
Tim: Well, I take great offense to that. And it's disrespectful to me and it's just disrespectful of Dr. San.
Gregg: Well, I don't really care about Dr. San.
Tim: Alright, well, I don't care about you, and I don't care about your opinions, and I don't honestly don't care about the audience either because it's my show-
Gregg: Well that's clear, you don't care about the audience.
Tim: That's not what I said.
Gregg: Yeah, you said I honestly don't care about the audience.
Tim: I don't care what the audience thinks. Which is true because the audience knows to expect the great- knows that I know what I'm doing and this is what they should be watching. So thanks for watching.
*theme music*
Gregg:Well, it's a great show if you want to learn how to get-
Tim: Don't talk during the-
Gregg: If you want to learn how to get an infected face with dirty needles because-
Tim: Okay we'll cut the sound on that. Can you cut the sound?
Gregg: That's a good way to get them, hire somebody like Dr Sa-

Transcribed by oddreflection
